When your child is bullied

When your child is being bullied and you don’t know what to do

How to help your bullied child.

When your child is being bullied and you don’t know what to do it can leave you feeling helpless. I know firsthand, when my son’s friend turned against him and tried to turn the entire class of boys against him I felt so overwhelmed. I had no idea how to solve the problem and I felt powerless. We managed to not only turn the situation around but also stop the bullying and empower our son at the same time.

There are actions you can take and solutions to help stop your child’s bullying. It is easy to blame the other child or teenager, but if your child is continually being bullied there is some behavior that your child needs to change to stop being a bullying magnet.

Kids and adults can smell weakness in another person, they can sense when someone is not confident by the way that they carry themselves and interact in the world. One boy shared that you can tell how popular a kid thinks that they are by the way that they walk.

Many well-intentioned parents will tell their kids to just ignore a bully, that they shouldn’t talk back to mean kid, but then the situations get worse and can escalate. Ignoring something will not make it go away; you are just giving the bully more power and a free pass to torment your child.

Watch our free training on how to bully proof your child.

PROTECT YOUR CHILD FROM BULLIES

Do you worry about your child being picked on? Our Bully Proof Your Child Guide will show you how to bullyproof your child in just 4 simple steps. It’s a game changer–get it free for a limited time!

There are three things parents can do to stop your child’s bullying

1. Report the bullying to the school, the school is legally obligated to take action

2. Teach your child how to verbally defend themselves and deflect bullies

3. Teach your child to be more confident and assertive

Get the details of what has been going on at school, ask your child questions to find out the full story, sometimes kids can’t see the full picture, only a snapshot in time. Find out how long the person has been picking on your child, if the situation has been resolved or if it was a one-off thing or an ongoing situation.

Teach your kids how to verbally defend themselves and how to be prepared for a verbal attack. When a bully insults your child publicly, and your child responds with a comeback that shuts the bully up it gives your child street cred.

The comebacks your child uses don’t need to be rude, they just need to deflect the bully and let them know that your child is not someone they can continually pick on. When a child responds with a quick wit, bullies usually move on to someone who is an easier target.

Our site receives emails from psychologists and teachers requesting comebacks that can help their clients and students. Kids can learn to be more confident and assertive; it is a skill that can be improved with practice.


Sign up here: 
to watch the free workshop to bully proof your child. We will walk you through what to do to stop your child from being bullied.

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Many parents have used cameras if they suspect that their child is being bullied at school and they want to get to the bottom of what is really going on. Jacqueline, the mother of a 10 year old, could not understand what was happening at school causing her daughter to be so upset and withdrawn. After asking her daughter and trying to figure out what was wrong without getting any answers, she decided to take matters into her own hands. Jacqueline purchased a small camera that looked like a happy face button and put it on her daughter’s clothing.

What she found out was surprising, her daughter’s supposed best friend was acting like a bully and excluding her daughter from their friend group. Knowing what was really happening gave Jacqueline the tools to help her daughter deal with the situation. Kids can miss subtle social cues, sometimes they don’t actually know what is going on and can’t articulate the problem when you ask themwhat’s bothering them.

PROTECT YOUR CHILD FROM BULLIES

Do you worry about your child being picked on? Our Bully Proof Your Child Guide will show you how to bullyproof your child in just 4 simple steps. It’s a game changer–get it free for a limited time!

Using a camera to capture bullying may not be legal everywhere, using a hidden camera you may be breaking a law. For some parents taking that chance is worth it, in the case of Kandy Escotto who found out her five year old son was being bullied by his kindergarten teacher. Her son’s teacher, RosalbSuarez,who was named teacher of the year was caught on tape verbally bullying her son.

May our our readers have reached out to us about hidden cameras they have used. Below are the top recommendations for catching bullying at school

Watch our free training on how to bully proof your child.

Reporting Bullying to the School

What to say when you are reporting bullying to your child's school. www.ishouldhavesaid.net.

Watch our free training on how to bully proof your child.

Many parents are surprised that schools are not particularly helpful in bullying situations. Often the school’s main objective is to resolve the situation and keep the peace. Schools have a process they will follow which involves finding proof that a bullying incident has taken place (or caught in the act), before corrective action. The school will talk to both parties involved and try to find out what exactly went on. It is important to report incidents of bullying as soon as they happen, as it difficult for the school to take action at a later date, or in complex bullying to join the dots of behavior.

Blaming the Victim

In a bullying situation it is vital that parents step up and advocate for their child. The schools (teachers, counselors) often blame the victim, interrogating your child asking if they did anything to provoke this, are they absolutely sure, are they misinterpreting play? Making a convincing argument of bad intent can be difficult, and require some mental strength from your bullied kid to not take the “questioning” as doubting their story or memory.

We have heard of school counselors almost suggesting the kid may have imagined it or misinterpreted it to get the kid to quickly accept an apology to resolve the situation quickly. It can be challenging to prove a bully did something as the other kids don’t talk out of fear of being the bully’s next victim. So try to make it easier for your kid and their friends to share openly, by showing open public support and appealing to sense of justice.

Watch our free training on how to bully proof your child.

PROTECT YOUR CHILD FROM BULLIES

Do you worry about your child being picked on? Our Bully Proof Your Child Guide will show you how to bullyproof your child in just 4 simple steps. It’s a game changer–get it free for a limited time!

Document everything that happened

Most bullying takes place away from teachers and they need as much help as possible to catch incidents that take place behind the scenes. Document everything that has happened as clearly as possible, the date, time, location where why what and when and present this information to the school. They school will check with witnesses to verify that the bullying actually did occur, which is why you need to provide as many details as possible. This can be can be challenging as younger children often don’t fully comprehend what has happened, or they may not have witnessed the entire situation only a portion of the incident. If you have captured the bullying on video, you could send the link to the school on a private YouTube link, or just show the principle only.

Here are a few things to consider when writing your letter to notify the school of what has gone on.

  • Who was there? Make a special note of the bully, any other participants, and any witnesses that were around.
  • What did they say to you?
  • Did they physically hurt you?
  • How did it make you feel?
  • Where and when did it take place?
  • What did you do / how did you respond?
How to report bullying to your child's school. www.ishouldhavesaid.net

School Code of Conduct

If your child’s school has a code of conduct review the document for what is acceptable behavior. When you write your complaint letter to the school, you can state that the bullying is clearly in violation of the school’s rules, forcing the school to take action. The code of conduct should clearly list out what will happen as a result of each school violation. The school has a responsibility to provide a safe environment for their students, but may often only give lip service and underplay significance and remedies of a bullying incidence. If they realize how serious the parents are about pursuing it, they often will respond more completely.

PROTECT YOUR CHILD FROM BULLIES

Do you worry about your child being picked on? Our Bully Proof Your Child Guide will show you how to bullyproof your child in just 4 simple steps. It’s a game changer–get it free for a limited time!

Try to Keep Calm

Even though it is highly emotional time for parents, it is important to remain in control emotionally when dealing with the school. One mother became overly angry with a bullying situation in her son’s elementary school. She yelled at the student who was bullying her son, and was then issued a restraining order by the school, and she was not allowed to set foot on the school grounds for a long period of time. You can consider bringing an advocate if you think you will be emotional.

One parent from Texas shared how she couldn’t believe the level of hatred she felt for her child’s bully, which is a natural response. As a parent you want to protect your child, and in a bullying situation you may feel you have very little control and can’t help. By age ten or earlier, kids should know the difference between right and wrong, and they are fully aware of what they are doing. As a parent you may feel like you are dealing with the result of someone’s morally bankrupt kid. Dealing with a bully takes a tremendous toll on the entire family and it is normal to have feelings of disgust and resentment. We suggest that be channeled into some of the proactive actions above and active monitoring of the situation, and getting feedback from other parents.

Sign up here: 
to watch the free workshop to bully proof your child. We will walk you through what to do to stop your child from being bullied.

Dealing with a Bully

Can kids be friends after bullying?

Watch our free training on how to bully proof your child.

Teachers In elementary schools may encourage younger children to be friends again after bullying incidents. This is suitable if it was a minor incident, where the children have learned a lesson and moved on. But if another child has been bullying your child for a while in a more extreme situation, the friendship may be completely cooked.

Forcing a child to continue to interact with someone who has been unkind reinforces perilous outcomes.  Will that child then think that they should accept abusive behavior from others when they are older? Completely severing a friendship may be challenging when you have to see someone every day at school, but your child can distance themselves and move on to a different friend.

Can you be friends with the parents of your child’s Bully?

It can be difficult if your family were friends with the family whose child has turned into a bully. It’s one thing for kids to drift away to other friendships, or to have phases of not liking someone for whatever reason, but feeling like someone is bullying your kid is a perfectly legitimate reason to no longer wish to be friends with their whole family.

PROTECT YOUR CHILD FROM BULLIES

Do you worry about your child being picked on? Our Bully Proof Your Child Guide will show you how to bullyproof your child in just 4 simple steps. It’s a game changer–get it free for a limited time!

Shonda said her family experienced a very difficult situation when her son’s friend turned into a covert bully and only caught out at the end of a long period. Both families had been friends, even had dinner together, but once the true extent of the bullying was revealed it became clear that the families’ friendship was no longer possible. The kid who they had recently welcomed into their home had been trying to turn mutual friends against her son at school, encouraging other children to “hunt” him on the playground.

What was even more disturbing was after the bully was caught, he lied outright to three teachers claiming that he hadn’t been doing anything wrong. Even worse, caught and reprimanded he still continued the bullying, forcing Shonda’s family to put in a second compliant to the school. The bully, who we will call Luke, had no real remorse for his actions.

Mutual school friends forced Luke to apologize to Shonda’s son, and other witnesses came forward and told Shonda’s family about Luke’s cruel and abusive behavior. The parents came to a conclusion that even though Luke’s parents are nice people, the kid was completely morally bankrupt and not someone that they would want near any member of their family. By age ten children should know the difference between right and wrong, and what their kid was capable of, was truly frightening.

Your child is going to watch how you handle your own friendships in difficult situations like this. It is important for your child to know that you support them. Sending a message that you are still friends with their tormentor (or his family) is like condoning that is OK to accept bullying behavior and be treated poorly to keep the peace. It is not fair for you to make your children play with someone who is bullying them simply because you want to be friends with their parents, or it will make teachers lives easer. Remember you are a parent first, and a friend second.

Even though you no longer wish to be friends with their family, it is recommended that you don’t go around badmouthing the parents of the bully. If the kid is as bad as you think they are, the other parents will figure it out on their own soon enough.

One parent from Texas shared how she couldn’t believe the level of hatred she felt for her child’s bully, which is a natural response. As a parent you want to protect your child, and in a bullying situation you may feel you have very little control and can’t help. By age ten or earlier, kids should know the difference between right and wrong, and they are fully aware of what they are doing. As a parent you may feel like you are dealing with the result of someone’s morally bankrupt kid. Dealing with a bully takes a tremendous toll on the entire family and it is normal to have feelings of disgust and resentment. We suggest that be channeled into some of the proactive actions above and active monitoring of the situation, and getting feedback from other parents.

Sign up here: 
to watch the free workshop to bully proof your child. We will walk you through what to do to stop your child from being bullied.

Dealing with a Bully

Using snappy comebacks can help stop bullying

Using funny comebacks can help with bullies

Watch our free training on how to bully proof your child.

Our web site constantly receives emails from people who tell us that using the comebacks have really helped them out, stopped or reduced bullying and we have even been told that the comebacks have “saved their lives” (OK that may be an expression but still significant).

Bullies often pick targets who they know will not respond, someone they can identify as an easy mark. If you are quick witted, and say something funny, the bully may move on seeking another target and leave you alone. When you are being picked on you may feel vulnerable, so having a snappy comeback ready can disarm your bully.

Bullies like to show off in front of their friends, so they want you to react, get upset and show emotion, instead respond calmly and zing them with a comeback. It may even make their friends laugh at the bully and defuse situations. They are looking for someone who they think they will be able to get away with it, someone unlikely to respond, or protect themselves.

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Who do Bullies Target?

Bullies often prey on what they consider to be a perceived weakness or contrast they can highlight. Most of us have something different about us that bullies may try to use against us.

  • People who are different in some way – whether that is their looks, weight, accent, clothing or interests.
  • Kids who are small for their age and may not be able to defend themselves
  • Those who will react quickly to their taunts by getting upset or crying
  • Anyone who may not do well at school or who is not very athletic
  • Anyone who may be socially anxious or struggles with shyness
  • Sometimes bullies pick people who are popular and well liked out of jealousy
  • Kids who have a great obsession they talk about a lot and are proudly engaged in.

One thing that you can do is be prepared for a verbal bully. Go through the site and pick a few good comebacks that are appropriate for your situation and that you feel comfortable saying. Practice using the comebacks, and then get a relative or close friend to test you on your response and delivery. We’ve found it best to be assertive and humorous when talking back, but not angry or reactive which gives bullies energy to feed on. Hopefully you already have some strategies and a plan.

If the bullying persists, or starts to get out of control, keep a record of the events and then report the situation to your school or your employer. Remember, no one deserves to be bullied.

One parent from Texas shared how she couldn’t believe the level of hatred she felt for her child’s bully, which is a natural response. As a parent you want to protect your child, and in a bullying situation you may feel you have very little control and can’t help. By age ten or earlier, kids should know the difference between right and wrong, and they are fully aware of what they are doing. As a parent you may feel like you are dealing with the result of someone’s morally bankrupt kid. Dealing with a bully takes a tremendous toll on the entire family and it is normal to have feelings of disgust and resentment. We suggest that be channeled into some of the proactive actions above and active monitoring of the situation, and getting feedback from other parents.

Sign up here: 
to watch the free workshop to bully proof your child. We will walk you through what to do to stop your child from being bullied.

Dealing with a Bully