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Stop getting verbally bullied

When you dread seeing your family over the holidays

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The holidays can be a hard time because we all have that person in our family tree that we wished had sprung from a different orchard. 

Maybe it’s your brother in law who has different political views, and never lets you hear the end of it. You may have a narcissist in your life who ruins all of your events.

Some folks are just difficult, and you may find it frustrating that you’re forced to spend the holidays together in a confined place. 

The best Christmas holidays I’ve had were spent on Bondi Beach with a big group of friends. Another year, when I was a flight attendant, I spent Christmas in Mumbai with the airline crew and we had a wonderful time. I had butter chicken for Christmas dinner, it was nontraditional and I loved every minute of it!

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There are always going to be difficult people but you can learn to manage them.

The thing that’s important to remember is that it is your holiday too. COVID may be the perfect excuse to say that you can’t make it this year. 

Some folks won’t change their negative ways, but if you do have to spend time together, have a plan in place for how you will deal with the person. 

Make sure you schedule in some time for yourself over the holidays, to do the things that you like to do 5instead of catering to everyone else’s agenda.

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What to say to someone who mutters rude things under their breath

When someone mutters under their breath you may be a little taken aback because it can be rude, passive-aggressive, and hostile behaviour. Maybe the person doesn’t like what you said, and instead of being an adult and confronting you about it, they walk away and then mutter complaints under their breath.

Often people think they get away with making snide comments under their breath without being called out for their shitty behaviour.

The person you are dealing with may not have the courage to talk to you openly about what is bothering them. When you ask them directly what they said, they reply, “nothing,” and won’t repeat what they muttered back to you.

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Some people aren’t even aware that they are muttering, their behaviour is aggravating and can be enough to make you want to end a relationship.

Jeannie’s husband was always muttering under his breath, and it became so extreme that it was a deal-breaker for her. She didn’t want to have him near her friends because of his uncouth behaviour. She spoke to him directly and told him that it was a deal-breaker for her and he needed to stop doing it immediately.

Her husband continued to complain under his breath but now she called him out every time. Jeannie would say, “What was that you just said to me? I didn’t catch it?  It would be helpful if you could speak clearly to me.”

Jeannie kept calling her husband out on his bad behaviour , every time he did it she would say it sounded like he had duct tape over his mouth. Because he knew that he was going to get called out every time he muttered under his breath, he eventually stopped doing it.

Here are a few things you can say to someone who mutters under their breath.

The top ten things to say to someone who mutters under their breath

  1. Excuse me, but are you still talking? I couldn’t make out what you said.
  2. What did you say? I missed it.
  3. Did you mean to say that out loud?
  4. Pardon me, I didn’t quite catch that all.
  5. What was that? It sounds like you have duct tape on your mouth.
  6. Please stop with the passive-aggressive behaviour.
  7. Hey, if you have something to comment on, say it to my face, don’t mutter under your breath.
  8. I don’t see why that’s necessary to say. It’s not kind or constructive. All it does is make us both unhappy. How can we reach a conclusion where you stop insulting me?
  9. I’m sorry, but if you keep insulting me under your breath, I’m going to have to make it a bit of a deal. I know you don’t want that, and neither do I. Do you think you could drop it?
  10. Hey, is there a reason why you keep insulting me?

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Got any comments, questions or tips for dealing with people who mutter under their breath? Share them in the comments below.

She was a shitty friend

She was a shitty friend

After 10 years I realized my friend was a shitty friend, and it was probably in my best interest to stop hanging out with her. I admit it,  I couldn’t see it for years and then one day everything changed.

Natalie canceled plans a lot over the years, but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. And then it got worse, and every time we were supposed to get together for three months she would cancel. The crazy thing is she was the one setting up the get-togethers!

I was thinking this isn’t right, she is not a great friend and I just kept letting it go and making excuses for her. Then I had another friend cancel on me, and I was like why is this happening to me? Is it something I am doing, is it something about me that people don’t want to see me?

So I decided to put together a spreadsheet and it was a very interesting thing because you know you think things about people but you don’t think in terms of the big picture.

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How to tell if a friend has bad behaviour

By creating this spreadsheet, I could see the big picture view with all of my relationships and friends. I could see patterns and it was really clarifying. I had several questions on the spreadsheet like would I be friends with this person if  I met them today and I rated each person each friend out of 10.

By looking at the big picture and at the patterns I could see that it really wasn’t me. I wasn’t the problem. Natalie was a shitty friend and I could see she had a pattern of letting people down. I realized that I wouldn’t be friends with her if I met her today.

When you evaluate relationships ask yourself if you would be friends with this person if you met them today? Would you be friends if you knew everything you know about them now?

When I looked at the big picture it was so clarifying and it led me to create a product called the Relationship Evaluator, where you can enter information about your relationships and it shows you how supportive people are towards you.

When a friend has a pattern of bad behaviour

Relationship evaluator

The Relationship Evaluator tells you how supportive someone is by looking at charts and graphs. It is very illuminating when you see who supports you and how much by comparison.

You think, oh my goodness, I am spending a lot of time on friendships and people who may not be worthy of my time and effort. I could also see who was incredibly supportive and who I wasn’t valuing enough.

I found this product so valuable, I decided to add this as a bonus for those of you who have purchased our Verbal Self Defence Bundle or for those of you purchased our two books individually.

If you have already purchased the bundle or the two books, email me and let me know the email you purchased it with and we will send you a copy.

I really want you to have it because it is such a valuable tool.

You have the right to verbally defend yourself

You have the right to verbally defend yourself. If you have a friend or relative who makes snide comments towards you and puts you down, it’s not OK. You have the right to say something and to tell them to stop.

You have the right to verbally defend yourself

We’ve all had those relationships and friendships with people who don’t treat us the way we deserve to be treated, and they don’t seem to care or respect our feelings. Even when we let them know that it’s not OK they trample all over our personal boundaries time and time again.

A friend of mine found out her husband was calling her Bagheimer, a name he made up for her, behind her back in front of her children. He was calling her that name when she would ask him to do stuff around the house that a responsible adult would just normally do.

One of their kids starting calling his mom Bagheimer because he saw his dad do it he thought it was OK. When she found out about the derogatory name-calling she was so mad, she said to her husband you better stop now or pack your bags and move out. He never called her that name again. Shockingly, he would have the audacity to think that was OK to say to his wife and mother of his children.

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Some of these people who treat others poorly probably are not worthy of being your friend or in your life. When you think of all the good people that you have in your life, yet somehow you end up spending hours of your energy focused on these negative Nellies, the negative 20 perfect of the people in your life. It is the 20 percent who cause most of the problems, stress, and anxiety.

Finding the right words to stand up for yourself

It can be hard to find the words to tell them to stop, we get that. You don’t know what to say and your mind goes blank, and it is emotional because someone is being unkind to you. Even worse, someone who is in your close inner circle is being unkind to you.

When you tell them to stop you always want to make sure that you are in a safe situation. The good thing about comebacks is you are not calling someone fully out on their bad behaviour but you are letting them know that your behaviour stinks. It is kind of an easier way to let them know you are on to the negative way they are behaving, without spelling it out fully.

If you grew up without a voice, in a household where your feelings were negated and people walked all over you and didn’t respect your point of view or your feeling it is challenging. It is going to be harder for you to stand up for yourself than someone who learned these skills growing up.

You can learn what to say. Standing up to someone is like a muscle you can develop, think of it like doing reps at the gym. You can get there, it is a question of knowing what to say and how to say it.

When you have a difficult relative who drives you crazy

Dealing with a difficult relative

If you have a relative that you find extremely difficult and  disagreeable it just makes your life challenging because you are stuck with a person you find exasperating to be around on life’s most important occasions. You are forced to spend time together on family holidays, birthday celebrations and other family events.

You may feel stuck with this relative that you don’t like or have anything in common with and  it feels like you are forced on this life journey together. You wouldn’t choose to know this person if you had a say in the matter, and there is no easy way to get out of the situation. It can leave you feeling stuck and frustrated.

I have a  family member who never respects boundaries and this is an issue we’ve had for years. I have even stopped talking to this individual three times for over a year. Many times I have felt like this person is a thorn in my ass, and I often look forward to the day that I never have to deal with them again.

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I am tired of the constant drama, badmouthing of others and constant betrayal. This person has tried to turn my friends against me, get attention from my boyfriends and use me to get attention for themselves by embarrassing me.

Truthfully, I don’t love this person, I just tolerate them and I have done so for years. This is not the kind of thing that you can really say out loud, it’s the kind of thing you think in your darkest thoughts when you are alone.

It’s hard to deal with difficult relatives who don’t respect boundaries

This is a person who doesn’t respect boundaries with anyone in their life, they have had continual warnings but they never get the lesson and they never learn. Interestingly enough, this person has a lot of casual friends, but no intimate relationships with people who will call them out on their BS. Now, this relative is driving my son crazy for the same reasons that they have driven me bonkers for years!

When I was younger I thought that severing the relationship was the answer. As I get older,  I don’t think cutting off the relationship is the right solution. I have children now, I am a role model so it is important that I get this right. 

I want to show up in the world a certain way, with kindness and respect towards others. I want to speak my truth, and let people know directly and nicely when they have stepped over the line. Now, I am doing this more for me and my self respect than for hers.

My family member has caused so much drama over the years that I created a special cheat sheet for myself with over 80 polite things to say to family to let them know nicely that they need to back off. I also created over 10 scripts, so whenever she has bad behaviour I am armed and I am ready to stand my ground in a civilized way.

So, I am going to practice what I preach, and go back to the process I developed for shutting down bullies, even ones in your own family. I can prepare and be armed and know what to do when they pull their shit on me again. And I know she will, it is just a question of time.

It’s time to let her know again, that their behaviour is not OK  and not acceptable in a nice way. I am going to have a difficult conversation about the pattern of her  interfering in my life. 

I let my guard down for a minute, and this person is sharing personal information and talking badly about me to other relatives. With certain people, you give them an inch and they take 25 miles. 

WANT TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF?

Our FREE Starter Guide will show you the 3 simple steps you can take right now to stand up for yourself so that you can feel confident. It’s a game changer–get it free for a limited time!

I will use my Snappy Comebacks for All Situations workbook to write out what’s been going on and figure out my plan of action. Things are going to be OK.

Whenever there is something difficult or bad happens in our life there is also a silver lining. For me, I’ve had to put up with snipes and digs from this person for years, because of the constant put downs and I came up with hundreds of things you can say to family and friends. 

She is one of the main reasons I created the I Should Have Said web site and I have ended up helping hundreds of thousands of people deal with bullies. So I guess there is a silver lining after all.

I know you probably are dealing with a difficult person too. Don’t get discouraged, there are ways to let the person know they need to smarten up without ruining the relationship or your sanity.

Don’t let your crazy people in your life grind you down.

Hugs, 

Signature Bryn

Be prepared for a difficult person

If you have to deal with a difficult person who gives you a hard time, our bundle Snappy Comebacks any Situation can help you out. Be prepared for challenging people with clever responses on your phone or device at any time or anywhere.

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The ideas, procedures, and suggestions contained within this work are not intended as a substitute for consulting with your counselor. All matters regarding your relationships require professional supervision. The author shall not be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestions within this blog. You, as a reader of this website, are totally and completely responsible for your own health and relationships.

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