We all have that friend or family member who has fallen in love with a jerk. It’s hard not to wonder what on earth they see in the person.
Men and women fall for jerks because they are attracted to the confidence, charisma, and self-assurance that the person exudes. People who portray themselves as confident may come across as more exciting and more spontaneous than your typical nice guy, who can be more thoughtful and reserved.
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Some younger women are attracted to the bad boy, a rebellious guy who seems unpredictable and adventurous. The combination of a guy who is a challenge and the excitement of someone unpredictable can lead women to fail to see the negative traits of jerks, often at the expense of their own well-being.
What to say when someone is in love with a jerk
We all know someone who has fallen for the wrong person and you can’t say you can do better until they are officially broken up.
Here are some clever words you can offer, without having to call out their love interest directly as an absolute jerk.
1. He already ruined your mascara, don’t let him ruin your life
2. Don’t keep running back to the one person that you need to walk away from.
3. Never make someone a priority when they merely make you an option…
4. If someone you love hurts you, cry a river, and then build a bridge and get over it!
5. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.
6. Some relationships are like garage sales. From distance it looks like it could be interesting. But up close it’s just a ton of sh*t you don’t need.
7. There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough.
8. Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting them back together.
9. It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does…
10. Stop holding on to what hurts and make room for what feels good.
11. Is your type bad boy or bad for you? Because I’m starting to see a pattern here!
12. You know, even diamonds need a little pressure, but this seems like a bit much!
13. I guess you really enjoy the thrill of the rollercoaster ride of emotions.
14. Wow, you two have so much drama you could create your own reality show.
15. You know, I hear there are some really great guys out there who don’t treat people like trash. Just a thought!
16. Be real, If he were a book, would you even finish the chapter?
17. Honestly, you can do better.
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Some folks love the challenge of a jerk
Another reason people may fall for jerks is they present a challenge. Some people are attracted to the idea of “fixing” someone. They feel powerful proving that they are the kind of person who can turn around a person who initially seems indifferent or aloof.
For these individuals, the challenge of winning over an unattainable partner can become a compelling quest, igniting feelings of excitement and motivation.
They may believe that their love or support can penetrate the emotional barriers of the other person, transforming indifference into affection and fostering a deep, meaningful connection.
The challenging person creates a rollercoaster of emotions and drama, when one moment things are good and then the next moment there is conflict. Some people love the intensity which makes them feel alive.
I overheard a 55-year-old relative express that she found someone attractive because she believed she could “fix” him. I must admit, I thought that was something an 18-year-old might say. At her age, it struck me as rather sad and pathetic.
How to support someone who is going out with a jerk
Supporting a friend or family member who is in a relationship with someone you perceive to be a jerk requires empathy and a little honesty. Allow your friend to share how they feel and validate their emotions. Instead of criticizing their love interest, ask open ended questions that can lead to self reflection.
Here are some simple questions you can ask:
- Do you feel good when you’re with him / her?
- What do you like most about your relationship?
- Is this the kind of person who you imagined yourself with?
When your friend explores their feelings, you can gently mention a few things that you have observed about their partner’s behaviour that may you personally have found to be out of the range of normal behavior. Your goal is to help them see things from a slightly different perspective without feeling judged.
You could mention that you noticed that they seem unhappy or uncomfortable when their partner does X, Y or Z.
Ultimately, be patient and supportive, reminding them that you’re there for them regardless of their choices.
The Role of counselling and self care
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When you are dealing with someone in love with a jerk and you find it stressful, consider getting support from a professional. Talking to a counselor is a great way to work through a challenging situation, and help you find some strategies to work through the person’s behaviour.
Better Help is a great resource where you can talk to a counselor from the comfort of your own home.
Taking care of your own needs isn’t selfish, and you will feel better in the long run.
